my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
