You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
