anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
