At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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