shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
