you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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