I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
