Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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