Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
