Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
