she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
