Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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