She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
