just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
