He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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