I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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