my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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