I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize