I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
