How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
