so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This house was built for laser tag.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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