just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
