i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
