I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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