if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
