I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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