cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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