yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
