Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
