Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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