Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
