I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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