Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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