No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
