is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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