One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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