I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
