I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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