we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
