A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
