Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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