she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
