im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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