I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
