The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
