her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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