He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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