I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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