I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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