Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Let the clothes fall where they may.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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