So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
