You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
