I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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