i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
