yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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