I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
